How to Prevent, Deal With Bullying of a Speech Impaired/Special Needs Child

“Every child has the right to an education and; every child has the right to be safe”~The United Nations Charter of Rights for Children

Teasing…

It’s something you fear if you have a late talker, and it’s something that does break your heart if it’s happened, but…

All kids can feel bad about themselves at times -all kids can be teased at times -so all of that is normal.

It’s how we help them deal and learn to overcome. It’s how we deal with teasing, and how we teach our children and those that tease them to respect themselves & others that counts. Not all children with speech impairments have to be teased, or teased more than the norm.  The following is a collection of information to help prevent your child from being teased, and how to help if your child is being teased.  The main goal is not to raise your child so that they have a strong healthy self-esteem as they go through life.  Self esteem is so precious -and important to keep high for our children.

Alienation…

Sometimes it’s not teasing or bullying but alienation.  The child is ignored by other children and has no friends.  The reason we started crowdFunnit was that we want to try to proactively put an end to bullying and alienation by throwing crowdsourced birthday parties for children who have painfully had to go through birthday parties where not one other child showed up.  At the core crowdFunnit brings people together, raising awareness about differences while fostering acceptance and compassion. Helping a friendless child celebrate a birthday is just an incredible mechanism by which to help make this happen. The party itself and any media attention it brings will help fight bullying at the root while the community connections will exist long after the party ends.

CrowdFunnit, a project of the 501(c)3 Cherab Foundation, hosts HUGE Community Birthday Parties for friendless kids across the country. Featured in local and national news, we proactively fight bullying by bringing together like-minded people, raising awareness about differences and fostering acceptance and compassion. Volunteer-based since 2000, the Cherab Foundation is focused on helping children with neurological and genetic communication impairments such as autism and apraxia. Donations are tax-deductible.  Federal tax ID number is 22-3685234

Bullying…

What we know based on 40 years of research

A special issue of American Psychologist provides a comprehensive review of over 40 years of research on bullying among school age youth, documenting the current understanding of the complexity of the issue and suggesting directions for future research.

Bully Official Trailer #1 – Weinstein Company Movie (2012) HD

This year, over 5 million American kids will be bullied at school, online, on the bus, at home, through their cell phones and on the streets of their towns, making it the most common form of violence young people in this country experience. The Bully Project is the first feature documentary film to show how we’ve all been affected by bullying, whether we’ve been victims, perpetrators or stood silent witness. The world we inhabit as adults begins on the playground. The Bully Project opens on the first day of school. For the more than 5 million kids who’ll be bullied this year in the United States, it’s a day filled with more anxiety and foreboding than excitement. As the sun rises and school busses across the country overflow with backpacks, brass instruments and the rambunctious sounds of raging hormones, this is a ride into the unknown. For a lot of kids, the only thing that’s certain is that this year…

How I Talked To Tanner About His Speech Impairment Before He Started Mainstream Kindergarten

We chose to talk to Tanner about his speech impairment in a child appropriate way prior to him entering kindergarten just in case he was teased, or wondered why he had to work so hard on something that came so easily to others -talking. And the good news is that in addition to what you already did -it’s not to late to add a bit more if you feel appropriate. I found it to be most important for school age children with speech impairments.

I told Tanner that I was an artist in New York for years -so the word different for me is not a bad thing at all -normal was a bad thing to me! Being different is not unusual anyway -we are all different. You can ask your son how many people in his school/does he know that wear glasses. Remind him that wearing glasses means that person needs help seeing, just like he needs some help talking. Their vision may not be as good as yours, you can say, but that doesn’t mean that those people can’t do or be whatever they want -just like you. I told Tanner about Helen Keller -and about the diamond “A diamond is a lump of coal that was put under intense pressure for a long period of time” It all seems to work.

Tanner’s always had a high self esteem, and as he aged -we even make him more aware of what his apraxia is and how he has overcome it – as you will read in the following -it’s all in a good way. Just like in The Late Talker book we explained how to relieve frustrations in a “late talker” child -the same strategies do work for the older ones too.

This is what I said to Tanner at six prior to him starting kindergarten:

“Tanner when you were a little baby you had very high fevers that caused a boo boo in here. (I touched his head) But what you did was amazing Tanner! You see, most of us only use a tiny bit of our brain, and most of us learn to talk the same way -but you have somehow developed another pathway to talk using more of your brain…which actually makes you smarter than the rest of us!

Now this is the thing, sometimes people who don’t know just how smart you are may judge you based on how you talk and even call you names. This is because they don’t feel good about themselves, or they don’t feel as smart as you. So don’t get angry with people like that who don’t use as much of their brain as you do. And always let us know if someone ever says anything bad to you.

Then I paused and said with a mock serious face/mocking voice. “Now Tanner, just because you are smarter then most other people -don’t go thinking you are better than anybody else. You hear me Tanner? Tanner don’t smile, you have to be nice to everybody Tanner” (I was clearly joking with him saying this and that made Tanner smile too)

Since we’ve moved from New Jersey -I now tell Tanner (stretch the truth a tiny bit) that if he wants to ever feel normal he can move back  to New Jersey where all the kids his age just about have apraxia. I tell him that the people where we live in Florida are not used to people with speech problems, so some could prejudge him, but he can prove to them just how smart he is. And he always did.  I’ve pointed out to Tanner that due to his “late talking” he has an “amazing memory” and he has always been a good student.  Of course, that was always just my theory and it’s one I’ve noticed in quite a few of the late talker children.  Probably because their receptive ability is so much higher than their expressive and they have to remember all they want to say long enough to try to communicate it.  But I presented it to Tanner as a fact, and he has always believed it- and continues to prove its reality.

As Tanner grew older, he could talk -and was typically understood, but even at 8 years old his speech was still immature. He tended to keep his sentences short. If he had a longer thought he paused and broke the thought up. In general, Tanner was always expressive, let you know what he wants or how he feels -but up till the past few years, he was never very expressive verbally.

For example when we saw the movie Shark Tail years ago with two of Dakota and Tanner’s friends, Tanner wanted to describe to everyone what he loved about a movie but as he was still impaired in speech more at that time he kept his comments down to short sentences, used some gestures and words like “So Cool!” -and ended with a question, “right?”  As he was learning to talk, Tanner knew how to get others to talk -now that’s one of his own strategies!

Tanner’s speech ability however never affected Tanner’s ability to have lots of friends. Tanner’s also received awards at school for helping others, he’s a good friend to others.

Circle Of Friends To Prevent Bullying

How I Helped My Apraxic Son Tanner Prevent Teasing

My son Tanner today is 15 years old.  When I asked him about teasing and bullying his response was “I never really had that problem because I had friends to back me up.”  There actually were two incidences of teasing when he was little, but he probably doesn’t remember because in each situation it was addressed with a circle of friends and the bullying ended.  In addition, there are strategies that we as parents, or schools, can put in place to help prevent your child from being a victim.

Tanner at three years old tended to shy away from other children he didn’t know. We’ll never know for sure if it’s due to lack of self esteem or frustration from not being able to communicate, or most likely a bit of both. I can tell you that as the weeks went on -he formed friendships and grew to love his teachers and classmates. Tanner was also schooled in a hearing impaired deaf school -and I too was “warned” that he “wouldn’t have positive role models” I laugh at that! What -I live in a bubble now?  My kid is at school a few measly hours a day for five days a week – and I took him to the park -therapy -play dates -life. When Tanner was at preschool -it was for therapy first, education second -social skills were a plus -but not my priority from the preschool for him. If that was my main goal I wouldn’t have fought for appropriate services and would have just stuck Tanner in a good “normal” preschool. I’ve written here before -if your child regresses around other children -he may do better on one on one -and at times perhaps not with “normal” kids. Our children are bright enough to know they are not doing what others are. And if they could “pick it up” just by being around it -we wouldn’t be here! And the advice would be -put your kid in day care and they will be fine.

Well once you decide which class is the best (if either of them are) Try to get the phone numbers of some of the other moms in the class to set up play dates. If the school won’t give phone numbers to you – have a party and invite all the children and put an RSVP on the invite. Make it a “get to know each other” party! Also go and observe the class and see if there is a child or two your child appears to gravitate more. Don’t just take the teacher’s word for it -she may or may not notice -you will always notice -it’s your child.  Once you meet the other parents, arrange for your children to get together with one other child at a time to do a fun planned activity where you are there to intervene (or translate!) if needed.

There are many wonderful stories of hope to inspire your child who is going through the hurtfulness and pain of discrimination from school or from neighborhood children. One place to find these stories is in the Chicken Soup For the Soul books and on the website too.  Here’s one example

The Little Girl Who Dared to Wish
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Preteens Talk

Alan D. Shultz

As Amy Hagadorn rounded the corner across the hall from her classroom, she collided with a tall boy from the fifth grade running in the opposite direction. “Watch it, Squirt,” the boy yelled, as he dodged around the little third grader. Then, with a smirk on his face, the boy took hold of his right leg and mimicked the way Amy limped when she walked. Amy closed her eyes for a moment. “Ignore him,” she told herself as she headed for her classroom. But at the end of the day Amy was still thinking about the tall boy’s teasing. And he wasn’t the only one. Ever since Amy started the third grade, someone teased her every single day, about her speech or her limping. Sometimes, even in a classroom full of other students, the teasing made her feel all alone.

At the dinner table that evening, Amy was quiet. Knowing that things were not going well at school, Patti Hagadorn was happy to have some exciting news to share with her daughter. “There’s a Christmas wish contest at the local radio station,” she announced. “Write a letter to Santa and you might win a prize. I think someone with blond curly hair at this table should enter.” Amy giggled and out came pencil and paper. “Dear Santa Claus,” she began. While Amy worked away at her best printing, the rest of the family tried to figure out what she might ask from Santa. Amy’s sister, Jamie, and Amy’s mom both thought a three-foot Barbie doll would top Amy’s wish list. Amy’s dad guessed a picture book. But Amy wouldn’t reveal her secret Christmas wish.

At the radio station WJLT in Fort Wayne, Indiana, letters poured in for the Christmas Wish contest. The workers had fun reading about all the different presents the boys and girls from across the city wanted for Christmas. When Amy’s letter arrived at the radio station, manager Lee Tobin read it carefully.

Dear Santa Claus,

My name is Amy. I am nine years old. I have a problem at school. Can you help me, Santa? Kids laugh at me because of the way I walk and run and talk. I have cerebral palsy. I just want one day where no one laughs at me or makes fun of me.

Love, Amy

Lee’s heart ached as he read the letter: He knew cerebral palsy was a muscle disorder that might confuse Amy’s schoolmates. He thought it would be good for the people of Fort Wayne to hear about this special little girl and her unusual wish. Mr. Tobin called up the local newspaper.

The next day, a picture of Amy and her letter to Santa made the front page of The News Sentinel. The story spread quickly. Across the country, newspapers and radio and television stations reported the story of the little girl in Fort Wayne, Indiana, who asked for such a simple, yet remarkable Christmas gift – – just one day without teasing.

Suddenly, the postman was a regular at the Hagadorn house. Envelopes of all sizes addressed to Amy arrived daily from children and adults all across the nation, filled with holiday greetings and words of encouragement. During that busy Christmas season, over two thousand people from all over the world sent Amy letters of friendship and support. Some of the writers had disabilities; some had been teased as children, but each writer had a special message for Amy. Through the cards and letters from strangers, Amy glimpsed a world full of people who truly cared about each other. She realized that no form or amount of teasing could ever make her feel lonely again.

Many people thanked Amy for being brave enough to speak up. Others encouraged her to ignore teasing and to carry her head high. Lynn, a sixth grader from Texas, sent this message:

I’d like to be your friend, and if you want to visit me, we could have fun. No one will make fun of us, because if they do, we will not even hear them.

Amy did get her wish of a special day without teasing at South Wayne Elementary School. Additionally, everyone at school got an added bonus. Teachers and students talked together about how teasing can make others feel. That year, the Fort Wayne mayor officially proclaimed December 21 as Amy Jo Hagadorn Day throughout the city. The mayor explained that by daring to make such a simple wish, Amy taught a universal lesson. “Everyone,” said the mayor, “wants and deserves to be treated with respect, dignity and warmth.” 

Clip from my book The Late Talker, St Martin’s Press

FRUSTRATIONS FROM TEASING OR BULLYING

As they grow older, children with communication challenges face a whole new set of frustrations, ranging from teasing to bullying. While teasing can be painful, bullying is far more severe, and may require the intervention of school personnel or even law enforcement. What can you do to help prevent your child from being bullied? First of all, encourage him to make friends. Bullies tend to pick on loners, so help him establish friendships while young. Depending on your child’s age, call parents of other children and set up play dates or sleepovers. Get your child involved with the scouts or similar organizations. Provide your child with a strong and loving home environment. You can teach healthy relationship and anger management by how you handle conflicts. Encourage independence in your child to raise his confidence. Guide her towards activities in which she can excel, such as sports, arts, computers, and dance. Everyone has some kind of talent, so help your child find hers. Contact the school if bullying continues.

Khalid Mustafa, who’s now fifteen, says that for him the teasing was worst in third, fourth and fifth grades: “People thought of me as slow and it bothered me. Many times I felt alone at school. I had problems with learning to read and spell. I knew I wasn’t stupid, but it did make me feel different from the others. Luckily, I was told by my tutor that in spite of my disabilities I was a gifted student, and many times children like me often have hidden talents and very high IQs. I remember knowing the answers to many things and I would try to say them, but my words just came out sounding weird.” Khalid’s mother, Cindy, has great experience with these issues as his seven year-old brother Jadd also has apraxia. At the beginning of each school year she and her husband arrange a conference with the teacher. They let her know their sons’ communication levels, express their concerns about teasing and bullying and ask what positive conflict intervention is offered in the classroom. Their sons’ speech therapists play key roles in developing positive solutions. On top of this the Mustafas initiate drama and role-playing activities at home. Says Cindy, “This is a great strategy that can also be implemented in the classroom. My husband and I use this intervention to offer concrete examples of alternative methods of interaction with unpleasant people.”

There are two chapters in The Late Talker book devoted to dealing with parent or child frustrations.”

While The Late Talker book contains chapters to help the following are other reading suggestions.

PDF on Bullying

Making a Difference in Bullying

Books on Bullying:

• The Late Talker has a chapter on dealing with a child’s frustration which addresses bullying
• Bullies & Victims : Helping Your Child Survive the Schoolyard Battlefield by Suellen Fried, Paula Fried
• Taking the Bully by the Horns – by Kathy Noll
• How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies : A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense: by Kate Cohen-Posey, Betsy A. Lampe (Illustrator)
• The Ant Bully by John Nickle
• What to Do… When Kids Are Mean to Your Child (What to Do Parenting Guides, Vol. 1) by Elin McCoy
• Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem by Lev Raphael, Gershen Kaufman, Pamela Espeland
• He Talks Funny -by Jeanne Buesser

Online Articles on Bullies From HealthyPlace:

Bully Advice and Tips For Kids

Online conference transcript: How to Help Your Child Deal With Bullies

Help For Parents and Teachers On Dealing With Bullies and School Violence

Child on Child Violence

More Online Links To Help

• http://www.stopbullying.gov/
• http://www.bullybeware.com/
• http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/nassp_bullying.aspx
• http://www.pacer.org/bullying/sap/activities-mid.asp (the site is split into grades)
• http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/
• http://www.everythingstartswith1.org
• Teaching Tolerance http://www.tolerance.org/
• Committee For Children http://www.cfchildren.org/
• ERIC/CASS Bullying in Schools http://ericcass.uncg.edu/virtuallib/bullying/bullyingbook.html
• No Bully http://www.nobully.com http://www.nobully.org.nz
• Preventing Bullying: A Manual for Schools & Communities http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/ssp/bullymanual.htm

Helping Children Deal With Differences

National Network for Child Care’s Connections Newsletter Marilyn Brink, M.Ed., ECE District Supervisor/Trainer Two Rivers Head Start, St. Charles, Illinois

When noted kindergarten teacher Vivian Paley and her students from the University of Chicago lab school adopted a new classroom rule: You can’t say “you can’t play,” they realized that’s not how things worked in the real world. They began to see that whether or not you could play often depended on how you looked or whether you were different. So Paley and her students decided to try to make their classroom “nicer” than the real world.

All children learn very early what adults around them value. Between the ages of 2 and 5, children are becoming aware of gender, race, ethnicity, and disabilities (Neugebauer, 1992). They can see how we feel about people who are different from us. And our feelings gradually begin to influence their feelings. Children do what we do, not what we tell them to do.

We need to become aware of our own attitudes. Ana Consuelo Matiella encourages us to give children an environment in which they can begin to learn about differences. Our goal in this type of environment is for children to develop fairness and tolerance for differences and to learn to challenge unfair treatment of others.

For the longest time, in our efforts to be fair, we have tried to treat all children alike. “I don’t even notice Kiki’s color,” her caregiver claims. Louise Derman-Sparks calls this the color-blind approach. She says that people who deny differences mean well. They are trying to counter bigotry by saying we are all alike under our skin. But this approach defines being different as something negative. When we deny a child’s differences, we ignore his uniqueness.

Because children form identity and self-concept during this sensitive period of development, we must answer their questions honestly and factually. We must take the time to challenge distorted thinking, which is actually preprejudice (York, 1991). Young children watch their parents and teachers to see how they react to prejudicial ideas and comments. Our responses greatly affect the ideas that they will form.

Preschool children are naturally curious about the world, and they have questions about specific things that they notice. Questions about physical, gender, ethnic, or racial differences may be difficult for some adults to answer. But the way we answer will influence the child who is concluding that something is “wrong” with a person who is different.

Elizabeth Cary, author of “Talking about Differences Children Notice,” gives some guidelines for responding to awkward questions. Children are more comfortable with differences when they understand why people are different.

RESPOND PROMPTLY. If possible, answer questions as soon as children ask them. If you ignore questions, children may decide that there is something wrong about the question or the person the question concerns. Children learn not to ask questions that make people uncomfortable. Prejudice often begins when children develop misconceptions based on their limited experiences.

GIVE SIMPLE ANSWERS. Answers should be simple and relate to a child’s experience and level of development. If a child asks, “Why is that man so dark?,” you can say simply, “He is dark because his mother and/or father is dark. You have blond hair just like your mother.”

MODEL RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR, BOTH VERBALLY AND NONVERBALLY. Many people were taught as children not to stare. They were taught so well that they avoid looking at people with disabilities at all.

ACKNOWLEDGE CHILDREN’S FEARS. Some children are afraid of the unknown. They may have wrong ideas about people who are different. They may be suspicious of unusual people and resist the new and different. Fears should be accepted, and children should be offered help to deal with their fears. Helpful responses acknowledge the child’s feelings. You might say, “You’re scared of the man without legs.” Then give the child the tools and experiences to help her deal with her fear.

INTRODUCE DIFFERENCES THROUGH BOOKS. It can be less threatening for some children to meet people who are different first in a book. Issues surrounding differences can be discussed in terms of the characters in the book. Then you can broaden the discussion to include children in the group or people in the community.

It is important for adults to be sensitive to the unasked questions as well (Cary, 1992). If you sense that a child is confused or uneasy, try to verbalize those feelings for him. Get feelings out in the open so you can talk about them.

Remember, though, that actions speak louder than words. So we must be especially careful about how our actions shape the values that children learn as they encounter the people in their world. If we don’t act, they will learn by default the messages that are all too prevalent in the world. And we’ll find ourselves perpetuating ideas that we really do not want to pass on to our children.

REFERENCES

• Cary, E. 1992. “Talking about Differences Children Notice.” In B. Neugebauer (Ed.), *Alike and Different* (pp. 11-15). Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.
• Derman-Sparks, L. 1992. “Reaching Potentials Through Anti-Bias, Multicultural Curriculum.” In S. Bredekamp and T. Rosegrant (Eds.), *Reaching Potentials: Appropriate Curriculum and Assessment for Young Children*, vol. 1. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.
• Heller, C. Spring 1993. “Equal Play.” In *Teaching Tolerance*, vol. 1, no. 1, pp. 24-37.
• Matiella, A. 1991. Positively Different: Creating a Bias-Free Environment for Young Children. Santa Cruz, CA: ETR Associates.
• York, S. 1991. *Roots And Wings: Affirming Culture in Early Childhood Programs*. Minnesota: Redleaf Press.
• Reprinted with permission from the Fox Valley AEYC, Elgin, Illinois.

National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National Extension Service Children Youth and Family Educational Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials in whole or in part for educational purposes only (not for profit beyond the cost of reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is included:

Informative PDFs on Bullying for Schools and Parents by School Psychologist Jim Wright

• Preventing Classroom Bullying: What Teachers Can Do Copyright © 2003 Jim Wright 
• Victims: Preventing Students from Becoming ‘Bully-Targets’
• Bystanders: Turning Onlookers into Bully-Prevention Agents
• Other online articles from Jim Wright 

Victims: Preventing Students From Becoming ‘Bully-Targets’

Children who are chronically bullied are often deeply unhappy in school, suffer from low self-esteem, and often find themselves socially rejected by their classmates as a result of the bullying. Teachers are likely to see another ‘hidden’ cost of bullying: as students are victimized, their grades frequently suffer.

The best way for any school to assist children victimized by bullies is to adopt a whole-school approach to bully prevention. Even if working alone, however, teachers can take immediate action to make life easier for children in their classroom who are being bullied.

Take Steps to Ensure the Victim’s Safety.

Victims are often physically weaker or otherwise less powerful than the bully. They may blame themselves for the bullying and believe that adults cannot help them to deal with the bully. When adults intervene to help a victim, they should above all make arrangements to keep the victim safe from future bullying attacks. Consider these ideas as a means for better understanding how seriously victims are affected by bullying in your school or classroom and for helping these victims to stay safe in school.

• Some victims may be reluctant to come forward. Have children complete an anonymous questionnaire that asks them if they are bullied, whether they have witnessed bullying, and where and when bullying that they have experienced or observed took place. Act on students’ feedback by taking steps such as increasing adult supervision in locations where bullying takes place to make them safe for all students.
• Select or create a ‘safe-room’ that is always staffed with adults (e.g., a well-supervised study-hall, ‘drop-in’ counseling center, Resource Room). During times of the day when the student is most likely to be targeted for bullying (e.g., lunch period), assign the student to the safe-room.
• Examine the victim’s daily schedule. For any activities where there is likely to be little adult supervision, either make arrangements to increase that supervision or adjust the child’s schedule to eliminate these undersupervised ‘blind spots’.

Help the Victim to Develop Positive Connections With Others.

When choosing a victim, bullies typically target children who have few or no friends. If a child has at least one significant friend in school, he or she is less likely to be bullied -and is usually better able to cope with the effects of bullying when it occurs. The teacher’s goal, then, is to strengthen the social standing of the victim with classmates and other students and adults in the school. As people in the school community develop more positive connections with the victimized student, they may be willing to intervene to prevent the victim from being bullied. Here are ideas that may promote positive connections between the victim and other students or adults:

• Train socially inept children in basic social skills, such as how to invite a classmate to play a game or to seek permission from a group of children to join in a play activity.
• Pair students off randomly for fun, interactive learning or leisure activities. These accidental pairings give children a chance to get to know each other and can ‘trigger’ friendships. Consider changing the seating chart periodically to foster new relationships.
• If a child receives pull-out special education services, try to avoid scheduling these services during class free-time. Otherwise, the child loses valuable opportunities to interact with peers and establish or strengthen social relationships.
• Enlist one or more adults in the school to spend time with the child as ‘mentors’. (Once these adults begin to spend time with the child, they will then be likely to actively intervene if they see the student being bullied!) Give these adults ideas for how they can structure sessions with the student (i.e., playing board games, having lunch together, etc.) Suggest to the student that he or she occasionally ‘invite a friend’ to these activities.
• Train staff, older student volunteers, or adult volunteers to be ‘play-helpers’. Train them to organize and supervise high-interest children’s game and activities for indoors and outdoors. (When possible, select games and activities that are easy to learn, can accommodate varying numbers of players, and allow children to join in mid-activity.) Place these play-helpers on the playground, in classrooms, in a corner of the lunchroom, or other areas where students have unstructured free time. The play-helpers may also be encouraged to pay special attention to those children with few friends are likely to be socially excluded, making sure that these children are recruited to participate in organized play with adult support as needed.

Teach Assertiveness Skills.

After a victim has been repeatedly bullied, he or she may find it very difficult to ‘stand up’ to the bully. One explanation for the bully’s power over the victim is that the bully has learned the victimized student’s vulnerabilities. If the victim then starts to resist being bullied, the bully is emboldened to persistently attack the victim (e.g., through teasing, social ostracism, or physical harm) until the victim is again overwhelmed and defeated. At the point where it has become chronic, bullying can be so ingrained that only decisive adult intervention can free the victim from this abusive relationship.

When a bully first approaches and attempts to dominate a potential victim, however, the targeted student still has maneuvering room and may successfully fend off the bully by using basic assertiveness skills. The bully’s goal when targeting a student is to exploit the victim’s perceived weakness(es) in order to gain dominance over him or her. If the potential victim maintains his or her composure, stands firm, and continues to behave appropriately even when provoked, the bully will find that the supposed victim is not so weak as he or she first thought.

A few simple assertiveness rules that you can teach to students are to:

• Respond to taunts, insults, or teasing with a bland response (“Oh”. “That’s your opinion.” “Maybe.”) Don’t let bullies see that they have upset you.
• Get away from the situation if you start to get very angry.
• Say “No” firmly and loudly if you don’t want to do something that someone tells you to do. Stand straight up and look that person in the eye when you say it.
• Refuse to let others talk you into doing something that you will be sorry for–even if they dare you!
• Report incidents of bullying to adults.

Be sure that you students do not confuse assertiveness with physical or verbal aggression. While the weaker victim will likely regret aggressively attacking the bully, he or she may well be successful by simply standing firm against the bully. And even if the potential victim is not entirely successful when using assertiveness skills during a particular episode, that student might still manage to stop the bullying from becoming chronic by showing the bully that he or she is not an ‘easy mark.’

References

• Batsche, G.M., & Knoff, H.M. (1994). Bullies and their victims: Understanding a pervasive problem in the schools. School Psychology Review, 22, 165-174.
• Doll, B. (1996). Children without friends: Implications for practice and policy. School Psychology Review, 25, 165-183.
• Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying in school: What we know and what we can do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers.
• Snell, J.L., MacKenzie, E.P., & Frey, K.S. (2002). Bullying prevention in elementary schools: The importance of adult leadership, peer group support, and student social-emotional skills. In M.A. Shinn, H.M. Walker, & G.Stoner (Eds.) Interventions for academic and behavior problems: Preventive and remedial approaches. (2nd ed., pp.351-372). Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.
• US Department of Education (1998). Preventing bullying: A manual for schools and communities.

Bullies: Turning Around Negative Behaviors

Bullying in school is usually a hidden problem. The teaching staff typically is unaware of how widespread bullying is in their building and may not even recognize the seriousness of bullying incidents that do come to their attention. Teachers who are serious about reducing bullying behaviors must (1) assess the extent of the bullying problem in their classrooms, (2) ensure that the class understands what bullying is and why it is wrong, (3) confront any student engaged in bullying in a firm but fair manner, and (4) provide appropriate and consistent consequences for bullying.

Assess the Extent of the Bullying Problem.

By pooling information collected through direct observation, conversations with other staff, and student surveys, teachers can get a good idea of the amount and severity of bullying in their classroom. To more accurately assess bullying among students, a teacher can do the following:

• Drop by unexpectedly to observe your class in a less-structured situation (e.g., at lunch, on the playground). Watch for patterns of bullying by individuals or groups of students. Signs of direct bullying could include pushing, hitting, or kicking. Also be on the lookout for prolonged teasing, name-calling, and other forms of verbal harassment. If you should overhear students gossiping about a classmate or see evidence that an individual has been excluded from a group, these may well be signs of indirect bullying. Note the names of children who appear to be instigators of bullying, as well as those who seem to be victims.
• A single teacher alone is not likely to see enough student behavior to be able to accurately pick out bullies and victims in his or her own classroom. Ask other school staff that interact with your students (e.g., gym teacher) whom they have may have observed bullying or being victimized within your class or other classes in the same grade. Note the students whose names keep coming up as suspected bullies or victims. Monitor children thought to be bullies especially closely to ensure that they do not have opportunities to victimize other children.
• Create a simple survey on the topic of school bullying. Have your students complete this survey anonymously. Questions to ask on the questionnaire might include “Where does bullying happen in this school?” and “How many times have you been bullied this year?” If your school administrator approves, you may also ask students to give the names of specific children whom they believe are bullies.

NOTE: When administering this survey to students, you should also share with them the names of trusted adults in the building with whom they can talk in confidence if they are currently victims of bullying.

Ensure That the Class Understands the Definition of ‘Bullying’.

Children may not always know when their behavior crosses the line and becomes bullying. Two important goals in asserting control over bullying are to create shared expectations for appropriate conduct and to build a common understanding of what behaviors should be defined as ‘bullying’. To accomplish these objectives, a teacher can:

• Hold a class meeting in which students come up with rules for appropriate behaviors. Rules should be limited in number (no more than 3-4) and be framed in positive terms (that is, stating what students should do instead of what they should avoid doing). Here are several sample rules:
  • Treat others with courtesy and respect.
  • Make everyone feel welcome and included.
  • Help others who are being bullied or picked on.
• Create a shared definition for bullying with the class by having them identify behaviors that are ‘bullying’ behaviors. List these behaviors on the board. If students focus only on examples of direct bullying, remind them not to overlook indirect bullying (e.g., gossip, excluding others from a group). Tell the class that when you see examples of bullying occurring, you plan to intervene to keep the classroom a safe and friendly place to learn.

Confront Students Engaged in Bullying in a Firm But Fair Manner

When a teacher communicates to the class that bullying will not be tolerated and then intervenes quickly and consistently whenever he or she observes bullying taking place, that instructor sends a clear message to students that bullying will not be tolerated.

Bullies are often quite skilled at explaining away situations in which adults have caught them bullying. When confronted, they may say, for example, “I was just kidding around” or “Nothing happened”–even when the evidence clearly suggests otherwise. You can avoid disputes with students by adopting the ‘I-centered’ rule for evaluating misbehavior.

1. Tell your class that it offends or bothers you when you witness certain kinds of hurtful student behaviors (e.g., teasing, name-calling). Emphasize that when you see such behavior occurring, you will intervene, regardless of whether the offending student meant to be hurtful.
2. If you witness suspected bullying, immediately approach the child responsible, describe the negative behavior that you witnessed, explain why that behavior is a violation of classroom expectations, and impose a consequence (e.g., warning, apology to victim, brief timeout, loss of privilege). Keep the conversation focused on facts of the bully’s observed behavior and do not let the bully pull the victim into the discussion.
3. If the bully’s behaviors continue despite your surveillance and intervention, impose more severe consequences (e.g. temporary loss of playground privileges).

Here are additional tips to keep in mind when confronting students who bully:

• When you confront a student for bullying, do so in private whenever possible. A private discussion will remove the likelihood that the confronted student will ‘play to the audience’ of classmates and become defiant or non-compliant. If you must call a student on his or her bullying behavior in public, do so briefly and in a business-like manner. Then arrange to have a private discussion with the student at a later time to discuss the bullying incident in greater detail.
• Find an adult in the school with whom the student who bullies has a close relationship. Enlist that adult to sit down with the bully to have a ‘heart-to-heart’ talk. The adult should be willing to discuss with the student the problems created by his or her bullying behavior, to express disappointment with the student’s conduct and to encourage the student to stop his or her bullying. This conference is not intended to be punitive. However, the student should feel at the end of the talk that, while he or she is valued, the student’s bullying behavior hurts and disappoints those who care about the student

Provide Appropriate and Consistent Consequences for Bullying.

Schools should remember that the relationship between a bully and his or her victim is coercive in nature, and that the bully always wields power unfairly over that victim. Strategies for addressing student conflict such as peer mediation, therefore, tend to be ineffective in bullying situations, as the bully can always use his or her power advantage to intimidate the victim. The most sensible disciplinary approach that teachers can use with bullies is to make sure that they are watched carefully and that adults follow up with firm consequences for each bullying incident. When providing consequences for bullying, the teacher should consider these strategies:

• Assemble a list of appropriate behavioral consequences for bullying. Include lesser consequences for isolated instances of bullying and greater consequences for chronic or more serious bullying. Share those consequences with your class. (In fact, you may want to enlist students to help generate items on the list!) Whenever a student is observed bullying a classmate, intervene and apply a consequence from the list. For example, a student who bullies during lunch might be required to spend several days seated away from his or her friends at a supervised lunch table.If a group or class participates in a bullying incident (e.g., children at a lunch table socially ostracizing a new student), hold the entire group accountable and impose a disciplinary consequence on each group member.
• If one of your students takes advantage of unsupervised trips from the room (e.g., bathroom break) to seek out and bully other children, restrict that student’s movements by requiring that the student be supervised by an adult at all times when out of the classroom. When you are satisfied that the student’s behaviors have improved enough to trust him or her once again to travel out of the room without adult supervision, let the student know that he or she is ‘on probation’ and that you will reinstate these school ‘travel restrictions’ if you hear future reports of bullying.
• When you observe a student engaging in a clear pattern of bullying, arrange a conference with that child’s parents. At that conference, share with them the information that suggests that the child is bullying other students. Enlist their help to stop the child’s bullying. (You will probably want the child to attend that conference so that he or she will understand clearly that the school is monitoring his or her bullying behavior and will impose negative consequences if it continues.)
• Develop a ‘reward chart’ for the student who bullies. Tell the student that you will put a sticker on the student’s chart for each day that you do not receive reports from other teachers or from students and do not directly observed bullying or ‘unkind behavior’. Let the student know that if he or she manages to collect a certain number of stickers within a certain number of days (e.g., 4 stickers across a 5-day period) for good behaviors, the student can redeem them for a prize or privilege.

References

• Batsche, G.M., & Knoff, H.M. (1994). Bullies and their victims: Understanding a pervasive problem in the schools. School Psychology Review, 22, 165-174.
• Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying in school: What we know and what we can do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers.
• Snell, J.L., MacKenzie, E.P., & Frey, K.S. (2002). Bullying prevention in elementary schools: The importance of adult leadership, peer group support, and student social-emotional skills. In M.A. Shinn, H.M. Walker, & G.Stoner (Eds.) Interventions for academic and behavior problems: Preventive and remedial approaches. (2nd ed., pp.351-372). Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.
• US Department of Education (1998). Preventing bullying: A manual for schools and communities. Retrieved 3 April 2003 from: a href=”http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/ssp/bullymanual.htm” target=”_blank”>http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/ssp/bullymanual.htm

Bystanders: Turning Onlookers into Bully-Prevention Agents

Most students in a classroom or school do not bully others regularly and are not victimized by bullies. A common misconception about these student ‘bystanders’, though, is that they typically remain neutral or try to support the victim when they see bullying occurring. Unfortunately, the truth is that students who observe bullying are much more likely to encourage or assist the bully than to attempt to help the victim! With appropriate instruction and guidance, however, bystanders can be empowered to take an active role in preventing bullying from occurring and to report bullying to adults when it does take place.

To ‘win over’ bystanders as bully-prevention agents, the teacher should (1) make bystanders aware that their own behavior can encourage or discourage bullying, (2) teach skills that bystanders can use to intervene when they witness bullying, (2) hold bystanders accountable for their behavior in bullying situations, and (4) structure classroom and schoolwide activities to encourage bystanders to develop positive relationships with potential victims. Here are ideas for working with student bystanders:

Train Student to Play an Active Role in Intervening in Bullying.

An effective way to reduce bullying is to teach bystanders that they can (and should) intervene to support the victim when they witness bullying. Consider using the 4-step lesson plan below to train students to be proactive ‘bully-prevention’ agents:

1. Introduce the term ‘bullying’. Ask the group to come up with definitions and write these definitions on the board. Then summarize the student contributions to compile a single working definition for bullying. (An example of a simplified definition would be “Bullying is when one person or group hurts another person on purpose by using mean words, physically harming the person, or damaging their property.”)
2. Tell students that bullying hurts the entire school and that everybody has a responsibility to help prevent it. Ask the group to brainstorm rules that the entire class can follow to prevent bullying. Write these rules on the board. Then work with the group to condense these ideas into a final set of rules of conduct. NOTE: Limit the final set of rules to no more than 3-4 so that they are easy to remember. Also, if possible, state each rule as a ‘do’ statement (e.g., “Treat others with courtesy and respect”) rather than as a ‘don’t’ statement (e.g., “Don’t yell at or insult others.”).A sample set of ‘anti-bullying’ rules may be:
   • Treat others with courtesy and respect.
   • Make everyone feel welcome and included.
   • Help others who are being bullied or picked on.
3. Draw a distinction for the students between ‘tattling’ and ‘telling’. Tattling is when a student tells an adult what another student did simply to get him or her into trouble. Telling is when a student tells an adult what another student did because that student’s actions were unsafe or hurt another person. Say to students, “It is important that we tell adults whenever we see something that is unsafe or hurts other people.”
4. [Optional but recommended] Invite individuals in your school who are ‘trusted adults’ (e.g., principal, school counselor, school psychologist, social worker, nurse) as visitors to your classroom. Tell students that these visitors are staff members to whom students can safely report incidents of bullying. Allow each visitor several minutes to introduce himself or herself and to tell students how to get in touch with them to report bullying or other issues of concern.
5. Tell students that, when they witness bullying, they should never encourage the bully or join in the bullying. (Remind them that bystanders who egg on or help the bully are considered to be as responsible for the bullying as the bullies themselves!) Instead, bystanders need to take action to stop the bullying:
   • In incidents of direct bullying, the bystander who feels safe confronting the bully should assertively remind the bully of the classroom rules for treating others and tell the bully to stop picking on the victim. If the bystander does not feel safe confronting the bully, the student should tell an adult about the bullying as soon as possible.
   • In incidents of indirect bullying by an individual or group (e.g., malicious gossip), the bystander should not participate in the bullying in any way. If possible, the bystander should also point out to the individual or group that they are engaging in bullying behavior. If the bullying persists, the student should tell an adult about the bullying as soon as possible.
6. Have the group think of other positive ways that a student could respond if they witness bullying and list those ideas on the board. (TIP: You may want to have students take the best of these suggestions and turn them into colorful posters to be displayed in the classroom.)

Hold Bystanders Accountable for Their Actions.

Student onlookers need to understand that they are responsible for their actions when they witness a bullying incident. In particular, bystanders should know they will face negative consequences if they decide to join a bully in taunting or teasing a victim, cheer the bully on, laugh at the bullying incident, or otherwise take part in the bullying. (Help students to keep in mind that onlookers should side with the victim with a phrase such as ‘Remember, bystanders should never become bullies.’)

Whenever you or another adult witness that a bystander is participating in bullying, schedule a private conference with that student. Talk about the bullying incident and explain how the onlooker’s actions (e.g., joining the bully in calling the victim names) were hurtful. Share your disappointment that the student bystander had not attempted to assist the victim and point out ways that he or she could have done so. Impose a disciplinary consequence that fairly matches the bystander’s misbehavior.

Build ‘Bonds of Caring’ Between Bystanders and Potential Victims.

When bystanders already know, and have a positive attitude toward, a student being picked on by a bully, they are more likely to attempt to help the victim rather than to support the bully. Here are some ideas that teachers can use to build bonds of caring between bystanders and potential victims:

• When students transfer to a different classroom or school midyear, they may have few friends in the new setting and therefore be an easy mark for bullies. To help these transfer students to develop relationships more quickly, create a ‘welcome committee’ of children whose task is to orient the new child to the school and to provide him or her with social companionship for the first several days. For example, the welcome committee could take the child on a tour of the school, show the student where instructional materials and supplies are stored, preview the classroom schedule, demonstrate common classroom routines such as transitioning between activities, and include the new arrival in playground games. While this welcome-committee orientation would at most last only a few days, it should give the new student a head start in building peer friendships that can protect children against bullying attacks.
• Older children often select younger children as targets for bullying. One proactive strategy to ‘energize’ student bystanders to intervene whenever they witness younger children being bullied is to promote positive relationships between older and younger students. You might consider assigning students to younger classrooms to serve as teacher helpers or peer tutors. Or you might train older students to be ‘playground helpers’, organizing and refereeing games and other outdoor activities. Or your entire class may ‘adopt’ another classroom of younger children and participate with them in various activities. The larger lesson to remember is that any time that you can arrange a learning or social situation in which older students interact in a positive manner with younger children under adult supervision, you forge bonds between those age groups and give older students a reason to wish to protect their younger counterparts from bullying.
• A subtle form of bullying can occur when children in a group or classroom decide to socially ostracize a target child. To guard against group bullying, assign a student to serve as ‘group ambassador’ whenever you form student groups for a learning activity. The ‘group ambassador’ is responsible for greeting anyone who joins the group, ensures that all members understand how they can participate in the group activities, and gives additional support and guidance to any student who needs it. (‘Group ambassadors’ should be trained to recognize when a student might need assistance and in how to provide that assistance in supportive, non-intrusive ways.) In a variation of this idea, lunch aides can appoint a different student each day to serve as a rotating ‘table ambassador’ at each cafeteria table. Again, this student would have responsibility for welcoming other children coming to the table and for intervening if other children attempt to bully a student.

References

• Batsche, G.M., & Knoff, H.M. (1994). Bullies and their victims: Understanding a pervasive problem in the schools. School Psychology Review, 22, 165-174.
• Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying in school: What we know and what we can do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers.
• Snell, J.L., MacKenzie, E.P., & Frey, K.S. (2002). Bullying prevention in elementary schools: The importance of adult leadership, peer group support, and student social-emotional skills. In M.A. Shinn, H.M. Walker, & G.Stoner (Eds.) Interventions for academic and behavior problems: Preventive and remedial approaches. (2nd ed., pp.351-372). Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.
• US Department of Education (1998). Preventing bullying: A manual for schools and communities. Retrieved 3 April 2003 from: http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/ssp/bullymanual.htm

Bystander

Bullying situations usually involve more than the bully and the victim. They also involve bystanders—those who watch bullying happen or hear about it.

An important new strategy for bullying prevention focuses on the powerful role of the bystander. Depending on how bystanders respond, they can either contribute to the problem or the solution. Bystanders rarely play a completely neutral role, although they may think they do.

Hurtful Bystanders                          

Some bystanders . . . instigate the bullying by prodding the bully to begin.

Other bystanders . . . encourage the bullying by laughing, cheering, or making comments that further stimulate the bully.

And other bystanders . . . join in the bullying once it has begun.

Most bystanders . . . passively accept bullying by watching and doing nothing. Often without realizing it, these bystanders also contribute to the problem. Passive bystanders provide the audience a bully craves and the silent acceptance that allows bullies to continue their hurtful behavior.

Helpful Bystanders     

Bystanders also have the power to play a key role in preventing or stopping bullying. 

Some bystanders . . . directly intervene, by discouraging the bully, defending the victim, or redirecting the situation away from bullying.

Other bystanders . . .  get help, by rallying support from peers to stand up against bullying or by reporting the bullying to adults.

Examining the Effects on The Bystander

Why don’t more bystanders intervene? 

• They think, “It’s none of my business.”
• They fear getting hurt or becoming another victim.
• They feel powerless to stop the bully.
• They don’t like the victim or believe the victim “deserves” it.
• They don’t want to draw attention to themselves.
• They fear retribution.
• They think that telling adults won’t help or it may make things worse.
• They don’t know what to do.

Bystanders who don’t intervene or don’t report the bullying often suffer negative consequences themselves. They may experience:

• Pressure to participate in the bullying
• Anxiety about speaking to anyone about the bullying
• Powerlessness to stop bullying
• Vulnerability to becoming victimized
• Fear of associating with the victim, the bully, or the bully’s pals
• Guilt for not having defended the victim

Preparing Children to Become Helpful Bystanders
Adults can prepare children to become helpful bystanders by discussing with them the different ways bystanders can make a difference, and by letting them know that adults will support them, if and when they step forward. Adults can also provide examples of how helpful bystanders have shown courage and made a difference in real-life situations and in their own experiences.

Bullying: What It Is & What Schools Can Do About It

Q: What is school bullying?

A: School bullying can be described as a situation in which one or more students (the ‘bullies’) single out a child (the ‘victim’) and engage in behaviors intended to harm that child. A bully will frequently target the same victim repeatedly over time. A child who bullies can dominate the victim because the bully possesses more power than the victim. Compared to his or her victim, for example, the bully may be physically stronger or more intelligent, have a larger circle of friends, or possess a higher social standing. Bullying can inflict physical harm, emotional distress, and / or social embarrassment or humiliation.

Q: What conditions allow bullying to take place?

A: There are three essential components to any bullying situation. To start with, there must be a bully: an individual who voluntarily seeks out and attempts to victimize others. Another participant necessary for bullying to take place is a potential victim: a student who is substantially weaker than the bully in one or more significant ways. Bullying cannot happen, of course, unless there is also a location in which it can occur. School locations where bullying is common are often those with limited adult supervision, such as hallways, bathrooms, and playgrounds.

While not essential, student bystanders are a fourth important element that often impacts bullying: if witnesses are present when bullying occurs, these bystanders can play a pivotal role by choosing either to encourage the bully or to protect the victim.

Q: How big a problem is bullying in schools?

A: It is difficult to know precisely how widespread bullying is in any given school. Bullying tends to be a hidden activity, and both bullies and victims are usually reluctant to disclose to adults that it is taking place. The incidence of bullying also can vary greatly from school to school. Research suggests, though, that 7 percent or more of students may be bullies and perhaps 10-20 percent may be chronic victims of bullying.

Q: What are the different types of bullying?

A: Bullying can be direct or indirect. When bullying takes a direct form, the bully confronts the victim face-to-face. Examples of direct bullying would include situations in which the victim is verbally harassed or threatened, physically attacked (e.g., punched, kicked, pushed down), or socially embarrassed (e.g., taunted, refused a seat on the school bus).

In the case of indirect bullying, the bully attacks the victim’s social standing or reputation-usually when the victim is not around. A student is engaging in indirect bullying if he or she spreads malicious gossip or writes insulting graffiti about a classmate, or organizes a peer group to ostracize that classmate. Victims are at a particular disadvantage in indirect bullying because they may never discover the identity of the person or group responsible for the bullying.

Q: Are there differences in bullying between boys and girls or at different age levels?

A: Some evidence suggests that a general shift from direct to indirect bullying takes place as children advance from elementary to middle and high school. At any grade level, boys are more likely than girls to report that they are victims of physical bullying. Schools may also tend to overlook the possibility that girls take part in bullying, both because of gender stereotypes (i.e., that girls are ‘less aggressive’ than boys) and because girls may prefer to bully using indirect means such as hurtful gossip that are difficult for adults to observe.

Q: Why do some children bully? What is the ‘payoff’ for them?

A: There are several reasons that a particular student may be motivated to bully. For instance, the bully may enjoy watching a weaker child suffer, like the increased social status that comes from bullying, or covet the money or personal property that he or she can steal or extort from a victim. Children who bully are likely to feel little empathy for their victims and may even feel justified in inflicting hurt because they believe that their victims ‘deserve it.’

A common myth about bullies is that they bully others to cover up their own sense of inadequacy or poor self-esteem. It appears that bullies actually possess levels of self-esteem that are about as positive as those of their non-bully peers.

Q: What are the characteristics of a child who is victimized by bullies?

A: There is no single descriptive profile to help schools to identify those students who are at risk for being targeted by bullies. One important indicator, though, is the presence or absence of friends in a child’s life. Children who are socially isolated are easier targets for bullies because they lack a friendship network to back them up and support them against a bully’s attacks. A second factor that can predispose a child to be victimized is age. Older children often bully younger children.

There are also two subgroups of bully victims that to present a clearer profile: passive victims and provocative victims. Passive victims may be physically weaker than most classmates, avoid violence and physical horseplay, and be somewhat more anxious than their peers. Lacking friends, these children are an easy target for bullying. Provocative victims may be both anxious and aggressive. They may also have poor social skills and thus tend to irritate or alienate their classmates. Bullies often take pleasure in provoking these provocative victims into an outburst through taunts or teasing, then sit back and watch as the teacher reprimands or punishes the victim for disrupting the class.

Q: What impact does bullying have on its victims?

A: Victims of bullying may experience problems with academics, because they are too preoccupied with the task of avoiding the bully to concentrate the teacher’s lecture or school assignment. They may engage in specific strategies to dodge the bully (e.g., feigning illness and being sent to the nurse to avoid gym class) and may even develop an apparent phobia about attending school.

Bullying can also leave a lasting imprint on its victims. Victims of bullying are often socially marginalized to start with, having few if any friends. Unfortunately, as these children are bullied over time, they may experience increased rejection by their peers-who blame the victims for the suffering that they endure at the hands of the bully. In time, these victims too may come to believe that they themselves are responsible for the bullying. Individuals who were chronically bullied as children may show symptoms of depression and poor self-esteem as adults.

Q: What role do bystanders play in helping or preventing bullying?

A: The term ‘bystander’ suggests that those children who stand on the sidelines and witness incidents of bullying are neutral observers. In most instances, though, bystanders are much more likely to provide encouragement and support to the bully than they are to actively intercede to help the victim (Snell, et al., 2002). Furthermore, in situations in which a group of students is bullying a child, bystanders may actively join in by taunting, teasing, or ostracizing the victim.

Teachers are often surprised when they see a group of otherwise-friendly children egging on a bully or engaging in bullying behaviors themselves. One explanation for why bystanders may cross the line to help bullies is that, as part of a group, bystanders may feel less accountable for their individual actions (Olweus, 1993). Another possibility is that bystanders feel justified in bullying the victim because they have come to believe that he or she ‘deserves’ such treatment.

Q: Schools are supposed to be well-supervised settings. How could widespread bullying happen there?

A: Because bullying is a covert activity, adults seldom see it occurring. There are other reasons why bullying can go unchallenged in school as well:

• School staff may misinterpret aggressive bullying as harmless physical horseplay and therefore fail to intervene.
• When questioned by adults, victims often deny that bullying is taking place. (Victims may lie about the bullying because the bully is present during the questioning or because they do not believe that the adults in the school will be able to intercede effectively to make the bullying stop.)
• There may be too few supervising adults in those unstructured settings where bullying is most likely to occur (e.g., gym class, lunch room, playground). Or those supervising adults may not be trained to intervene early and assertively whenever they see questionable behavior between children.

Q: What can schools do to stop bullying?

A: All segments of the school community must work together to address the problem of bullying. This means that teachers, administrators, parents, and students need to cooperate as they assess the scope of the bullying problem in their school and come up with ways to respond to it effectively. While every school will adopt an approach to bully prevention that meets its unique needs, all schools would benefit from the following guidelines (Batsche & Knoff, 1994):

• Conduct a thorough building-wide assessment to uncover the extent that bullying is a problem in your school. Use multiple methods to collect information. Consider administering staff surveys and anonymous student surveys, facilitating student and parent focus groups on the topic of bullying, analyzing the pattern of student disciplinary referrals to see if bullying patterns emerge, have adults observe and record bullying behaviors in less-supervised settings such as the cafeteria and on the playground, etc. Pool this information to identify significant patterns of bullying (for example, where and when bullying happens to occur most frequently; which students appear to engage in bullying behavior and which are victimized by bullies, etc.)
• Reach consensus as a staff about how your school defines bullying and when educators should intervene to prevent bullying from occurring. Rates of school bullying drop significantly when all staff members are able to identify the signs of bullying and agree to intervene consistently whenever they observe unsafe, disrespectful, or hurtful behaviors.
• Compile a ‘menu’ of appropriate consequences that educators can impose on students who bully. This menu should include lesser consequences that might be given for minor acts of bullying (e.g., mild teasing) and more stringent consequences for more serious or chronic bullying (e.g., inflicting physical harm, harassing a victim for weeks). Train staff to use the consequences-menu to ensure fairness and consistency when they intervene with bullies.
• Establish a policy for contacting the parent(s) of a student who has engaged in bullying. At the parent conference, school staff should attempt to enlist the parent to work with them to stop the student’s bullying. If the parent denies that a problem exists or refuses to cooperate to end the child’s bullying behavior, the parent should be told clearly that the school will monitor the child’s behavior closely and will take appropriate disciplinary steps if future bullying incidents occur.
• Monitor the school’s bully-prevention efforts on an ongoing basis to see if they have in fact reduced the amount of bullying among students and improved the emotional climate of the building. The school can use the same monitoring methods to track progress in bully-prevention as were first used to assess the initial seriousness of the bullying problem (e.g., focus groups, surveys, direct observation, tracking of disciplinary referrals). Share these results periodically in the form of a ‘progress report’ with school staff, parents, and students to build motivation throughout the school community for your building’s bully-prevention initiative.

References

• Batsche, G.M., & Knoff, H.M. (1994). Bullies and their victims: Understanding a pervasive problem in the schools. School Psychology Review, 22, 165-174.
• Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying in school: What we know and what we can do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers.
• Snell, J.L., MacKenzie, E.P., & Frey, K.S. (2002). Bullying prevention in elementary schools: The importance of adult leadership, peer group support, and student social-emotional skills. In M.A. Shinn, H.M. Walker, & G.Stoner (Eds.) Interventions for academic and behavior problems: Preventive and remedial approaches. (2nd ed., pp.351-372). Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.
• US Department of Education (1998). Preventing bullying: A manual for schools and communities. Retrieved 3 April 2003 from: http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/ssp/bullymanual.htm

The following information is pulled from our private archives, some of the information perhaps going back to websites that are no longer working as some links can be over a decade old.  However the advice can still be found relevant today:

Signs of abuse:

• avoids physical contact with others;
• wears concealing clothes (long sleeves, high collars) to hide injuries;
• is hard to get along with, is demanding and disobedient;
• frequently damages things and causes trouble or interferes with others;
• is unusually shy, avoids other people, including children; or,
•  is overly anxious to please, and seems ready to let others say or do things without protest.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

Not all child abuse is physical. Emotional abuse is one of the most common and harmful forms of child abuse. Making fun of a child, name calling, always finding fault, and showing no respect can damage a child’s self-esteem.

The child …

• may find it hard to make friends.
• may avoid doing things with other children and being places where he’s expected to be loving.
• may tend to be pushy and hostile.
• might have a hard time learning, be overly active, or have problems such as bed-wetting or soiling.
• might act falsely grown up, having to care for adults or others far beyond what should be expected for the child’s age.
• When emotional abuse occurs often and over a long period of time, it can have a lifelong impact. It can affect a child’s happiness, relationships, and success.

The child …

may become gloomy and depressed, unable to enjoy himself. He might do things that work against himself. could become self-destructive, injuring herself, or even attempting suicide. As with other types of abuse, parents who were emotionally abused are most likely to emotionally abuse their own children. To stop abusing, they need to become aware of how they are treating their children. Often they do not know how damaging their behavior is. If they knew what they were doing and knew how much it hurt their child, they would probably want to stop it.

Visiting a pediatrician or other physician or a member of the clergy is a good way to start looking for help. He or she might refer you to a mental health expert. Also, many community agencies and churches offer parenting classes that can help you talk to your child and begin to solve your problems.

Signals

child rocks, sucks, bites self inappropriately aggressive, destructive to others suffers from sleep, speech disorders restricts play activities or experiences demonstrates compulsions, obsessions, phobias, hysterical outbursts

Cognitive

• Speech may be absent, delayed, or hard to understand. The preschooler whose receptive language far exceeds expressive language may have speech delays. Some children do not talk, even though they are able.

• The child may have poor articulation and pronunciation, incomplete formation of sentences, incorrect use of words.

• Cognitive skills may be at a level of a younger child.

• The child may have an unusually short attention span, a lack of interest in objects, and an inability to concentrate.

Social

• The child may demonstrate insecure or absent attachment; attachments may be indiscriminate, superficial, or clingy. Child may show little distress, or may overreact, when separated from caregivers.

• The child may appear emotionally detached, isolated, and withdrawn from both adults and peers.

Signs of Possible Emotional Abuse:

• Speech disorders
• Delayed physica1 or emotional development
• Ulcers, asthma, severe allergies
• Habit disorders, sucking fingers, rocking
• Unduly passive and undemanding
• Very low self-esteem
• Extremely demanding, aggressive and angry
• Antisocial, destructive, depressed and or suicidal attention seeking delinquent behavior, especially in adolescents

Emotional Abuse

Verbal abuse, causing serious emotional damage, as exhibited by severe anxiety, depression, withdrawal or aggressive behavior.

The consequences of emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional and verbal abuse may cause long term self esteem issues. …

Emotional and verbal abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life.  Emotional and verbal abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT Understanding Abuse Abusers of children can be parents, siblings,friends, relatives, or adults who work with children. People who abuse children come from all economic levels and backgrounds. Often they may have unrealistic expectations of children and may not understand normal child development.Special-needs children are especially vulnerable since they place extra demands on parents and caregivers

What can I do to prevent someone else from verbally abusing my child or another child? Always be aware of other influences on your child. Just because you have your temper under control doesn’t mean that all the other adults in your child’s life do. Teachers, coaches, babysitters, siblings, older siblings of friends, and even other children’s parents can harm your child by demeaning or humiliating him. Make a point of asking your child about his relationships with other adults. Of course, he might not tell you if someone is verbally abusing him – he might not even realize it. So you’ll want to be on the lookout for signs of emotional turmoil:  Nightmares, bed-wetting, school phobia, and other signs of excessive anxiety may be part of the “code” you’ll have to crack in order to figure out what’s troubling your child.

If you feel that another adult is abusing your child or his or her own child, you can call the National Child Abuse Hot Line at (800) 422-4453, for advice. If you’re certain of the problem, contact your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency to report it. CPS professionals will evaluate the report, and if they deem it necessary, they will send someone out to talk with the alleged abuser. CPS will keep your report confidential, although you can make an anonymous report if you prefer. (But keep in mind that bogus anonymous reports are, unfortunately, quite common.)

Sometimes a family counselor or psychologist can assess your child for signs of verbal abuse. If you think the abuse is occurring at school, be sure to take your child to be evaluated by someone independent of the school. Oftentimes your family doctor or pediatrician can help you with a referral. Do whatever is necessary to get your child away from the abuser — if a P.E. coach is taunting him, for example, ask that he be placed in a different class. And be sure to make your concerns known to the principal, director, league officials, and so on.

Children who are emotionally abused may experience speech disorders, lags in physical development, failure to thrive (especially in infants), asthma, severe allergies, ulcers, substance abuse, or hyperactive/disruptive behavior.

…”Verbal abuse is one of the most common types of child abuse and can easily be unrecognized but inflict much damage to a child’s self- esteem. Verbal abusers use words motivated by angry, hostile, or resentful feelings. The term verbal abuse may include, but is not limited to, the following: scape goating, put-downs, extreme inconsistency, humiliation, labeling, and unrealistic expectations.”

…”When a child is frequently called stupid or dumb, he tends to accept this negative identity and believe himself as described.

Examination of the children’s symptoms and the behaviors of the teacher shows that verbal abuse was one of the most characteristic behaviors of Mr. X and led to a dramatic lowering of self-esteem in 13 and 17 children. What proved to be alarming to many of the parents was how quickly their children “adapted” to this teacher’s negative perceptions, accepting the labeling to “fit in” with the classroom environment.

Circle Of Friends To Prevent Bullying

Pinterest Board on Bullying Prevention

Lisa Geng